I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
