How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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