I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
