Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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