I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Randomize
