Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
