No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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