I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
