I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
