Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
