My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
