I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
