the condom got lost in my hair
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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