My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
