I was born with a shot glass in my hand
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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