Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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