Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
is that a dick in a sweater?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
