I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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