I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
