i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
