The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
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