My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
