Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
