this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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