I wish I could punch you in the face.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
