Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
