i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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