There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Even my vagina gasped.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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