he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
