sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
