He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
