Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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