alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
