Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
MIDGETS
????
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Randomize
