Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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