They should really pass out barf bags in church
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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