Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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