3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
