last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize