and you said cock pushups were impossible
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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