He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
