I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize