He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
