You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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