cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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