sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
