I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
