she was so not down for the gang bang
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
