had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
In America we eat man semen.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
