I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
