Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
