when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
