They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
