Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
