Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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