Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
